Braving Freezing Temps for My Wife

Surmounting treacherous icy pavement and a windchill factor dipping as low as 19 degrees Fahrenheit, I survived a real-life battle with the elements Friday when I successfully completed a harrowing four-and-a-half-minute journey across the desolate, frozen parking lot of an area King Soopers Grocery Store.

With night coming and temperatures dropping rapidly, I was forced to leave my wife, Brianna, at the entrance of the supermarket and valiantly set out on my own to retrieve our Toyota. Before leaving, I solemnly vowed that I would return for my wife as soon as I possibly could.

Recuperating at home following my struggle with nature's fury, I recounted the look in my wife's eyes at the moment I set out across the barren rows of the parking lot.

I could see that she was concerned, but I wasn't about to let Brianna go out there, as I sit blanket-wrapped now from the safety of my living room couch recounting this story between sips of hot chocolate. You see Brianna had left her hat at home.

Shivering from the brutal winds, my heart full of determination, I encountered the first setback on my grueling 75-meter trek when a sudden gust of wind blew freezing cold snow off an SUV and down my collar, nearly causing me to lose my footing on the slippery pavement. Due to the restrictive nature of my bulky cold-weather gear, several tense seconds passed before I was able to brush the snow out of my jacket and soldier on.

My next hardship came when I was forced to guide the wheels of my shopping cart through the increasingly slushy terrain. I was eventually left with no choice but to abandon the cart and carry nearly seven pounds of groceries in hand for the remainder of the journey, slogging past the lifeless, long-abandoned carts of those who had attempted the perilous journey before me.
I remember thinking, "If I stay out here much longer, I'm going to freeze to death." It was that cold.

Because the strain of my journey at times caused me to doubt whether I would ever find the car, I was forced to look inward—drawing strength from past experiences in which I successfully overcame similar extreme conditions. I'm no stranger to long waits on hold for customer service or scaling the heights of the attic stairs with nothing but a box of Christmas decorations. I even remember one traumatic ordeal in which I was locked out of my own home during a violent rainstorm for a full 12 minutes before Brianna heard me knocking.

However, even with all of my experience, nothing could have prepared me for what was in store next.

I thought I saw my car, but it was a different Toyota about seven spaces up. Upon seeing the similar Toyota, I made the near-tragic mistake of removing one of my gloves in order to retrieve my keys and accidentally dropped it beneath the misidentified vehicle.

With my visibility limited by blowing snow and the fast-approaching dusk, I was forced to leave the glove behind. Summoning all my strength, I quickly reoriented myself, using the brightly lit Blockbuster Video store to the right of the supermarket as a guide, and steadily made my way in the general direction of the car.

After one-and-a-half-tense minutes I made the ingenious tactical decision to set down my shopping bags and blow vigorously into my unprotected fingers, providing me with just enough warmth to retrieve my bags and continue on.

Those final twenty feet were the hardest of the journey. That last thirty seconds felt like an eternity out there.

Chilled to the core, I at last reached the car safety and collapsed exhausted behind the wheel. My survival instincts kicking in, I swiftly put the key into the ignition, turned the heat up full blast, hit the defrost button, and waited for the car to warm up. I then set about recouping my energies before undertaking my only remaining task: retrieving my ice scraper from the glove compartment and leaving the car one final time to begin the painstaking and risky process of removing the thick layer of ice from the car windows.

Shaken but wiser after the ordeal, I'm just glad to be home again, but if nothing else, I have learned a valuable life lesson I will not likely forget.

I don't think I've ever been so cold in my life and I'm parking much closer next time—even if I have to circle that parking lot several times to find a space.

Wait....Where is Brianna???

(Taken from the Onion and rewrote to amuse you...hopefully it worked)